[the notion of chosing free will makes the archangel laugh. It may or may not sound cruel.]
I hate free will.
[He doesn't look at the human for a moment before looking back and running a hand through his hair.]
Not for any of you. Not because it was...
[here was the rub. Free will was what led Jane to paint and that boy to take him to the movies and to popcorn and soda and coffee and that confusing sense of love between the Hargreeves siblings but also hatred of their father. It was Sal fighting and Device figuring things out and Aziraphale just...existing. with Crowley. The two of them taking it all in without thinking. Or perhaps thinking too much
Inflicted he wants to say. But.]
Everyone has it. [he focuses on his date, expressions severe.] demons abuse it and humans don't know how to use it.
[and angels don't acknowledge it we're not taught that it's a thing we have. And I don't know what to do with it.
The realization knocks the wind out of him and he growls.]
[His voice is strained.] I was made by her. I mean without her...I wouldn't be here.
And she's nice. I mean it's going to sound immature but she is wonderful and I just wish...I wish I could convey that. You see when you said she's cruel that's just not true at all. She deserves better from all of us.
[He stares at his hands.]
...But I don't...
...Living?
[The pain on his face is palpable] What's important to you?
Books - not even the Bible - tells the whole story.
That's why I'm talking to you in person.
You think it's simple, don't you? You know God personally and so you have everything figured out. But haven't you found that being here is much more complicated? Viewing the swarm of ants from afar isn't the same as living among them.
[That's too close to home and Gabriel's attempt at being understanding crumbles slightly.]
It's not my fault.
[Does he sound petulant? Yes. He shakes his head.]
...I couldn't leave. Someone had to manage things. Do you-
[he spreads his hands wide, leaning forward to stare at him and spread his hands.]
I supervised departments that made the trees and my voice moved the spheres of the cosmos. The power that my brothers and I had to overtake...Had to oversee? We kept things going. She has been quiet and I had to be in charge.
[Gabriel puts his head in his hands, running his fingers over his hair, before he drags his fingers through his hair. He shakes his head and gestures.]
It's not easy. You all just seem to think it's easy and I'm fucking tired of it.
[He gets a refill of his previous order and eyes Gabriel.]
You think that simply having faith will bring happiness, don't you? I lost that faith a long time ago in a system that hurts the most innocent. I had to look elsewhere for a sense of belonging.
[As a detective, he probably should already know this and he wouldn't blame Gabe for pointing that out - but he wants to know exactly what the archangel thought of as clues himself. In his own words.]
[It's something he'd had to deal with all his lie, first personally then professionally. Sadly, there was so much corruption in the name of religion. Sometimes it was difficult for Loki to separate that from pure faith in a higher entity. It had been so ingrained in him as a kid and he continued to fight against it.]
Are you that sure that demons are bad? 'Cause I've spoken to a few here and they seem pretty reasonable.
[He has his limits. Mentioning Crowley and how he and Aziraphale lived and were happy without her - how a demon could make someone happy and inspire love.
He couldn't do it right now. He just couldn't.]
I can't. I can't say anything good about them right now, not after all of this. The wounds are very very deep.
[The hilt of a phantom sword flickers in his grip. A metaphorical burning leather grip, silver and blessed by her. They curl over his hand in a pair of wings. They're his wings, he is made of wings but when he threw them down from heaven he had four wings and speed, clashing with his former brothers and sisters.
Now things would be more civilized. There'd be papers and firing and erasing them from computers. Here though in his mind there's the smell of silver blood and burning wings.
His nostrils flare and he stares at his shoes before nodding.]
Yes.
Angels can feel anger and bitterness and regret.
We didn't always. Not before Lucifer. Not before the morning star. It was peaceful and loving. Then he taught us anger. And regret. And those who followed him did the same.
[his lip curled.] Which demons have you talked to?
Lucifer, who claimed to be in charge of Hell itself and another one who claimed to be a Biblical demon but I didn't catch his name. He was planning a wedding and he name-dropped you though.
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no subject
Date: 2020-01-12 04:17 pm (UTC)From:I hate free will.
[He doesn't look at the human for a moment before looking back and running a hand through his hair.]
Not for any of you. Not because it was...
[here was the rub. Free will was what led Jane to paint and that boy to take him to the movies and to popcorn and soda and coffee and that confusing sense of love between the Hargreeves siblings but also hatred of their father. It was Sal fighting and Device figuring things out and Aziraphale just...existing. with Crowley. The two of them taking it all in without thinking. Or perhaps thinking too much
Inflicted he wants to say. But.]
Everyone has it. [he focuses on his date, expressions severe.] demons abuse it and humans don't know how to use it.
[and angels don't acknowledge it we're not taught that it's a thing we have. And I don't know what to do with it.
The realization knocks the wind out of him and he growls.]
What else do you want to know?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-12 04:24 pm (UTC)From:I'm beginning to think that your view is so limited that I'm not going to learn much more.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 02:17 am (UTC)From:...What specifically did you want to know?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 02:28 am (UTC)From:If God did not exist, what would be most important to you?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 02:30 am (UTC)From:[His voice is strained.] I was made by her. I mean without her...I wouldn't be here.
And she's nice. I mean it's going to sound immature but she is wonderful and I just wish...I wish I could convey that. You see when you said she's cruel that's just not true at all. She deserves better from all of us.
[He stares at his hands.]
...But I don't...
...Living?
[The pain on his face is palpable] What's important to you?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 02:35 am (UTC)From:That's my job. That's what I do. I've dedicated my life to solving mysteries, both criminal and spiritual.
You're the latter.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 02:42 am (UTC)From:[Gabriel's eyebrows raise and he laughs harshly.]
I'm Gabriel. The archangel. I'm not a mystery, You all know everything about me. I'm in the book.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 02:47 am (UTC)From:That's why I'm talking to you in person.
You think it's simple, don't you? You know God personally and so you have everything figured out. But haven't you found that being here is much more complicated? Viewing the swarm of ants from afar isn't the same as living among them.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 02:54 am (UTC)From:It's not my fault.
[Does he sound petulant? Yes. He shakes his head.]
...I couldn't leave. Someone had to manage things. Do you-
[he spreads his hands wide, leaning forward to stare at him and spread his hands.]
I supervised departments that made the trees and my voice moved the spheres of the cosmos. The power that my brothers and I had to overtake...Had to oversee? We kept things going. She has been quiet and I had to be in charge.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 02:59 am (UTC)From:Or there was, before you came here.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 03:04 am (UTC)From:[Gabriel puts his head in his hands, running his fingers over his hair, before he drags his fingers through his hair. He shakes his head and gestures.]
It's not easy. You all just seem to think it's easy and I'm fucking tired of it.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 03:21 am (UTC)From:We all have our struggles. Our own issues. Our own problems.
It's the differences in an angel's problems over a human's problems that interest me most.
You're seeking happiness. You cling to it, at all cost. Would you say that's accurate?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 03:30 am (UTC)From:[Happiness is serving her.]
Why are you so confused by that? If you're happy she'll be happy with me.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 03:42 am (UTC)From:Or humanity in general?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 03:45 am (UTC)From:[he pauses]
...But coffee first. I will buy it for you since I am polite.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 03:58 am (UTC)From:[He gets a refill of his previous order and eyes Gabriel.]
You think that simply having faith will bring happiness, don't you? I lost that faith a long time ago in a system that hurts the most innocent. I had to look elsewhere for a sense of belonging.
What do you think of organised religion anyway?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 04:05 am (UTC)From:[Gabriel accepts the coffee.]
I gave humans the clues she told me to give humans. You all built it, I just had to give you the building blocks.
[His eyes widen and he laughs a little sadly. More then a little sadly.]
...God does not play games with the universe.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 04:11 am (UTC)From:[As a detective, he probably should already know this and he wouldn't blame Gabe for pointing that out - but he wants to know exactly what the archangel thought of as clues himself. In his own words.]
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 04:16 am (UTC)From:That good and evil are real and that there was a schism between the two. [He exhales]
That we as angels are good, demons are bad. Then we...tease you into point A or point B. You had to make a choice.
That's what we were told to do. She staked a claim for the souls of the good and righteous.
The rest of it, priests and such. You all built that and a lot of it was wrong. It's extremely frustrating.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 04:34 am (UTC)From:[It's something he'd had to deal with all his lie, first personally then professionally. Sadly, there was so much corruption in the name of religion. Sometimes it was difficult for Loki to separate that from pure faith in a higher entity. It had been so ingrained in him as a kid and he continued to fight against it.]
Are you that sure that demons are bad? 'Cause I've spoken to a few here and they seem pretty reasonable.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 04:43 am (UTC)From:[He has his limits. Mentioning Crowley and how he and Aziraphale lived and were happy without her - how a demon could make someone happy and inspire love.
He couldn't do it right now. He just couldn't.]
I can't. I can't say anything good about them right now, not after all of this. The wounds are very very deep.
...Anything else?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 04:45 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 04:51 am (UTC)From:Now things would be more civilized. There'd be papers and firing and erasing them from computers. Here though in his mind there's the smell of silver blood and burning wings.
His nostrils flare and he stares at his shoes before nodding.]
Yes.
Angels can feel anger and bitterness and regret.
We didn't always. Not before Lucifer. Not before the morning star. It was peaceful and loving. Then he taught us anger. And regret. And those who followed him did the same.
[his lip curled.] Which demons have you talked to?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 05:07 am (UTC)From:[Of course that was Crowley.]
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 05:08 am (UTC)From:Name-dropped me?
What did he say about me?
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