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[His features darken at that.]

It isn't rejection. It's what I was made for. Humans, you see, were made - indeed cursed with free will-

[And you have it too. Gabriel. He can practically hear Crowley's mocking tone and sincere desire for...what? To hurt him? Something unreadable crosses the other human's face and he finishes his coffee - feeling that now familiar delicious buzz - before he sighed.]

And the point is that I do too. And I can choose. I chose to stay with her and ...and be afraid because without people like me nothing would get done. Sometimes people just...sometimes people just need to be...

where they are.

[He sighed] I'm sorry. I don't think I'm making any sense.

I've had parents who think because they made their children then that means they can do whatever they want to them. That isn't right and your God letting people have free will can be a mixed blessing and curse but it's still better than being forced to obey.

Don't you think so?

I think I get it. You feel like it's your responsibility to do the right thing and follow her guidance.

Right?

And you think everyone should do as you do?

[Yes.

Maybe.

Yes.

Always Yes. I don't have a choice. How dare you assume I have a choice. That's so selfish I don't want a choice.

He loosens his tie and doesn't look at him, staring down at his feet as his body churns.]

It's-

[How to even begin to explain. He stares at him, hollow eyed, before he sets a hand on the table.]

If you could see your family. Have one. Feel that warmth and joy all the time. Would you want that?

[For David, that's perhaps a more difficult question than Gabe - or anyone else - thinks it is. He takes a moment to reply.]

That's an ideal that I don't believe exists.

[He's being a realist, but part of him would have liked that. He just feels so apart from it in his own life. Detached, even, from ever finding that sort of contentment.]

It sounds nice in theory.

[Gabriel has to think about that for a moment before his smile is genuine.]

...One of my favorite times of year is Christmas.

[This Christmas he spent it with the Hargreeves, trying to heal and understand them, but he holds out a hand.]

Do you celebrate it in your world?

That time of joy, that love, that warmth you feel. [He beams and focuses on it.]

That Christmas feeling. That love, that joy. Imagine that for eternity. Imagine it never ceasing. Imagine all the love you feel that one day that he gave you...eternal.

Is that what you feel? As an angel always serving your God?

[He asks, looking very directly and seriously at Gabe.]

I'm sure most people would choose to always feel happiness, if it actually was possible for humans to have that choice.

But that seems to also mean never to question it.

[Gone is the skepticism and even the anger. Now he looks confused and hurt.]

...Why would you want to question what makes you happy?

[He pauses] Wouldn't that make you happy? To...be surrounded by that same warm and loving feeling all year round?

That's what it's like to...to be there. To be with Her and in heaven and all she asks is to chose her.

We just can't interfere.

...wouldn't you want that?

Like I said, it sounds nice but it's unattainable.

I've never felt that sort of warmth. Not even at Christmas. Oh, I can see it from afar with families enjoying the holiday, but I'm usually working on that day and seeing the worst of humanity.

It's not something I can have. What you have with her.

[Gabriel looks comfortable at this. He settles back before smiling at him. Sincerely.]

We're on firmer ground here sir. My brother.

[He folds his hands] ...Are you tired of seeing the worst of humanity. Truly weary?

And is that what you want. That sense of feeling, that sense of warmth and love. Because I think I can at least...paint a path for you.

It doesn't matter if I'm tired of seeing it. It's there and all I can do is try to help through my duty as member of the police force. I'm not going to turn my back on that, even if the choice was eternal happiness. That'd be selfish if it was only for myself.

I can't take you to heaven, you have to chose to go - but if you want to remember the best of society and humanity can I suggest charity work?

[It's said totally sincerely as he sits back and folds his hands in his lap] People don't give me a lot of credit but I've always appreciated humans giving back. Taking a day, making a meal for someone.

Something that involves no violence, or pain, or at least not your pain but focus on the pain of others - the casual sorts of pain and donations and such that human beings do for each other.

You appreciate humans giving back... Are you doing any charity work yourself?

Apart from offering yourself up for this date auction.

No.

[He settles back] But there is a need and if you need it - which is what it sounds like you do - Then I should start something.

If you surround yourself with death and pain, that is what you'll create.

Being a detective isn't just a nine to five job that I can put away past business hours. If I'm on a case I rarely have any spare time.

Maybe here I could look into doing some charity work but it would be to help and not to simply find the better part of society. I know those people exist.

I'm a detective to help people, not to purposefully surround myself with negativity.

If you don't believe that total happiness is possible - are you sure that you haven't surrounded yourself with negativity?

[Gabriel stares at him and maybe slightly, ever so slightly, smirking.]

Total happiness means you're ignoring that everybody else isn't feeling that same happiness. It's not possible for the entire population of humans to all be completely happy at once.

...But everyone can have it.

[Gabriel settles back and looks genuinely confused at that.]

If you all make the right decisions. It's...It's not hard. [He laughs weakly] I just can't influence you all. None of us can. I know the system's not perfect but if you make the right decisions it exists.

Also. [He gestures]

I mean...okay I know this is going to sound weird but if you don't believe it's possible maybe you should do something in the off hours that doesn't involve killing people don't detectives kill people?

[He winces, blinks again a few times.]

... It's an unfortunate part of the job that sometimes we have to defend ourselves.

And it's asking a lot of humans to always make the right decisions. I wish that was the case. That people would just be kind to each other and get along and everyone be nice, but that's just not realistic.

[Gabriel pinches the bridge of his nose and lets out a sigh because...because yes but also know and...humans are the worst kind of puzzle.

And then he straightens to study him.]

It's always this. It's always something. First you destroy the planet we spent eons on. Then you don't want to be happy. But you keep...pushing forward. And some of what you do is maybe not that...that bad! These means of coping you have. But you still hurt each other and to be honest I don't understand it.

[His teeth grit. Annoyed.]

I don't think many people really understand it either.

There are many monsters out there. They prey on the young and the weak and the helpless and they are all very much human.

But yes, many of us keep trying. Keep pushing forward and try to make things just a little bit better.

I refuse to give up when there's a chance of helping someone.

[He looks disgruntled at that because that's what he wants but-]

Then you should be happy about it and not be...sitting there like that. Just...talking about it like it's a burden. You're doing all the right things.

You should still come and do charity work with us.

Do you even have any idea what we go through? You're an angel. An archangel... A pure being, beloved of God.

Have you any concept of true suffering?

[Gabriel rears back as if slapped.

A pure being. beloved of God. Yes. He was. He knew her at the beginning and her love for him was eternal. For the moments he had been young (moments are eternity at the beginning of things) she had been everything and she still was his everything. In those early moments however she was reality and knowing her was to know himself.

But suffering?

Suffering was being called upon her to destroy his brothers - the other parts of himself. Suffering was the profound sense of failure at not completing the apocalypse...

It was the betrayal of Aziraphale and his...mutation and it was knowing that he could die and it was the fact that she had sent him here. She had sent him here and apparently he had free will and she hadn't said anything. She had taught him that free will was bad and wrong, a stolen thing made by her that human beings should not have had. He was supposed to follow her will and make her decisions known. Especially him. He was the messenger but she had left him, she had left him, she had left him here where he could die and get hurt.

Not just die. Die forever.

It would be interesting to watch his features because after rearing back he's crying. He's not intending to but the words - Do you know true suffering - do humans? Does he? It's too much because suffering is being without Her and without his hierarchy, his family, and they aren't here and he...he...

Running fingers across his eyes he stares at the wetness before muttering to himself.]

Disgusting.

[Before he sniffs and reaches for a napkin to stare at Loki, features solid and potentially unnerving.]

...Suffering is the only path to her. Happiness is supposed to be a reward. Not something you avoid. But please. enlighten me What counts as suffering. How do you see it.

[Loki is watching Gabriel very closely and noting his reactions. He's suffered deeply himself, especially as a child but it's not something he's willing to talk about freely. The scars are too deep and he's taken pains to bury those emotions. So his expression remains fairly impassive, neutral yet with a slight frown. Aside from more of that very pronounced twitchy blinking. He keeps a steady voice too, but it's obvious that this is a strain on him.]

Suffer the little children...

Is that it? You must suffer to find God and be happy?

I don't think that's how it should be. You do my job and see children who have been hurt both physically and emotionally, and mentally scarred beyond any hope of recovery and you tell me that that is the true path to happiness.

[His jaw sets; eyes hardened with anger. It's bubbling under the surface and he can't believe he's had a more reasonable conversation with Lucifer. Sympathy for the Devil indeed. He's beginning to think angels are too oblivious to really care about what the human world has to endure - and what humans do to themselves, given that free will by God.]

I have no frame of reference beyond my interactions with humans. [His voice darkens and he sounds incredibly human.] which are apparently fucking limited. [His voice goes blank] I was never a child.

[he pauses and has to think.] ...at least not what you would think of as a child. I was...[pause] young.

[He was young. He was young and innocent and then Lucifer divided them and he grew old and hard and cruel. Or perhaps he always was. He is starting to wonder but instead he looks unsteady.]

And children were...are not my department or purview. Sandalphon is in charge of childbirth, the only child I knew was Jesus and he...

[Gabriel's features pale.] ...I did see him suffer I suppose. And that did hurt.

[Until being here, and seeing all this and the things that have been done to me - this was the worst pain ever]

Why don't you believe people can recover?

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Detective D.W. Loki

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